Currently Iris By Goo Goo Dolls see related

Things Lately

I'm really glad that I havent deleted this thing. It would be a shame.

Its kinda nice knowing that I have a place to puts my thoughts at the end of the day and nobody, except the random xanga'er, will read it. Its finals time and I am emotionally bankrupt. I cant get ahold of Myranda and I just got off the phone with my mom. She was telling me how much fun she used to have sledding and doing all these fun things and how my brother is doing them and all I can think is how I feel like I missed out on this huge part of my childhood. Myranda is always telling me these things that she used to do and asked if I had ever done them and I havent ever done them.

Another part of me thinks that I didnt really feel this way until Myranda started saying things; like I didnt know what I had until I realized I didnt have it.

But...

Then I thought, one of my favorite places to go to collect my thoughts is some place with a swing set. I love to swing and it has this way of making me feel happy and sad at the same time.

And in college I feel like this part of my life is missing and that I am just not complete. Instead of going a head in my life I find myself wanting to go back. I just need to move forward but the more I try to push myself to do so the more I feel like I need to get away and the more I feel like I'm lost.

Some lady commented on my xanga about how she writes about jahoveh or something like that and how it will help me fill that space in my heart. But I dont want to find some false filling. I want to find myself not someone else.

I think that this is a site is a good way to track how many times a year I feel like this and how many times I just get this itching to write down my feelings. The last one was in April.

I really do love writing in this and just letting out my feelings. But iono.

There is a lot still going on in my head that I cant make sense of...

Much love

Me

Its been a while

I havent been on Xanga in forever, I think I might have tossed it out the door when I did my past. I'm indifferent about who I have become, and I havent completely tossed my past out the door, but I really miss how easy going and happy I used to be, I want to blame it all on college because I know that the change in enviornment and well... everything has changed me a lot. But I know tha that the passed happened for  reason, I hold onto the parts that I really cherish, and I'm sorry if I hurt anyone.

Thinking back I've done a whole bunch of dumb shit in my life and I know that at some points, I was missing a few screws. But I think that everything that has happened made me into the person I am today, I know my limits and I know when I can and can't push them... I dont think I regret doing anything that I did... I know I wouldnt change a thing. Sometimes a little part of me pops out, and I find myself wondering how much I've really changed.

Enough to know that I appreciate the person I am today. My life may not be perfect, but damned if I dont go down fighting. I've really started to believe that I control what happens in my life and if I really want something, I'll get it if I work hard enough. Drive...

The true voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in haveing new EYES.

Marcel Proust

Much love,
Mariah

Warm Whispers

Heres a song thats really been touchin me lately.

Missy Higgins- Warm Whispers

Your warm whispers
Out of the dark, they carry my heart
Your warm whispers
Into the dawn they carry me through

And I'm weeping warm honey and milk
That you stay surrounding me
Surrounding me

Your warm whispers
Letting me drown in a pool of you
Your warm whispers
Are keeping the noise from breaking through

And I'm weeping warm honey and milk
That you stay surrounding me
Surrounding me

Yeah, I'm weeping warm honey and milk
That you stay surrounding me

Your warm whispers
Your warm whispers

And I'm weeping warm honey and milk
Your warm whispers
Yeah, I'm weeping warm honey and milk
Your warm whispers

Yeah, yeah
Oh, oh
But you're gone, you're gone, you're gone
You're gone, you're gone, you're gone

Your warm whispers
Your warm whispers
Your warm whispers

Sometimes I just get this feeling that I need to write. That I need to let all of my emotions just all out of my head. So one day I can stumble upon these old emotions and realize what I had or what I have. This is whats going on in my life.

I got in a car crash. I'm fine. I just dont have a car for 2ish weeks.
Myranda's grandpa died. Shes currently back home dealing with the funeral and viewing.
College

College

You never know how much you miss the old days until you are in college. Days when you didnt really have to do shit and you could sit around with your buddies and just have a good time. Days when there were chocolate fights, guitar hero, warm beds that easily fit 2 people, and home. I miss home. I dont get homesick often and I dont know why but right now I miss home like no other. I miss walking into my house and just smelling the air or smelling what my moms cooking for dinner. I miss riding my bike down the block or over to Miranda's house. I miss sitting in my room. My own room. A room thats all mine and nobody elses. I miss relaxing. I miss... it all. And I think thats why the song really hits me.

"Your warm whispers. Out of the dark you cary my heard. Your warm whispers. Into the dawn you cary me through."

Miranda W- If you ever get on xanga anymore I want to let you know that I really miss you. So much. It seems like I havent seen you in ages. But theres a little bit of you in everything I see and I find myself constantly catching myself relating things to you. I miss you. You're still my best friend of all best friends. The tuna to my easy mac. Yum. Keep in touch.

Myranda- Theres a lot of words I could say right now but there are only three that really hit home for me. I LOVE YOU. It says everything I ever feel. Everything I think. Everything I want... Its all you baby. I love you. I love you. I love you. I miss you so much right now.

I love you guys,

Love,
Mariah

p.s. Ron you're awesome I'll see if I have a pic of me w/o the braces. 

Too Long

I forget how much comfort I find in a journal. I forget how much I love writing. I forget how much I have detatched from myself.

Things are going very well in my life. I move into college soon and I guess that this is the beginning of the rest of my life. Forever will I remember my 'High School Years'. I dont like moving on. I dont like saying goodbye. I dont like not knowing what the future holds. But I think that makes reuniting the best thing. Sometimes.

If there is one thing I regret the most, is not staying as close to some people as I should have. I've just recently started ahnging out with people again but really whats the use. I leave in a week and then I'm gone for months. Months

Months. People will temporarily forget me as I will do to them but somewhere and somehow fate will work its way back into the picture and we will reunite with many 'OH MY GOD HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?!'s. And we'll make a coffee date, maybe a night on the town. And that will be it.

And somehow thats okay with me. Its not great but true friends will keep in touch. Here is my email address.

Keep in touch: barnett.mariah@gmail.com

If you're a creapo and you send me wierd shit or fuck with me in any way you're going down biotch.

I love you guys.

Good luck in college Miranda. You're amazing.

Love,
Mariah

P.S. I got my braces off.

Currently Listening Southern Discomfort By Rehab Drinking Problem see related

I've got a drinkinn problem man

 One mouth and Two hands
And an Empty can
I aint got no luche luche

Great Song

Happy Holidays Everyone,

Me